Men's Violence Against Women: Point of View

by David Odell Griffith, Communications Intern, Humber College

As a son, brother and uncle with a loving mother, sisters, aunts and nieces, as well as several female friends for whom I care dearly, and as an intern at Family Service Toronto where I see the Violence Against Women (VAW) program at work, I feel obligated to touch on the topic of men’s violence against women.

There have been many studies and a lot learned about violence against women in recent years, but preventing intimate violence is too low a priority in today’s culture. Statistics Canada’s 2004 National Survey on Violence Against Women shows that, in Canada, one in three women is abused by an intimate partner and more than half of these women are badly hurt. During my time here at FST I have learned that it is not lack of control or anger towards a partner which is at the root of men’s violence against women. Most men who mistreat women think it is their prerogative because they consider themselves to be superior in that relationship. The core issue with most men who abuse a partner is physical or emotional power and control.

“In society we have allowed the cultivation of a sense of entitlement in a relationship,” says Lisa Manuel, FST’s Director of Changing Lives and Family Violence Programs “and that sense of entitlement is deep seeded and connected to power and control.” Because of this mindset some men feel they are entitled to use force in their relationships. They also justify their abusive behaviour and blame their partner for the abuse: ‘I had a terrible day at work’, ‘she got in my way’, or, ‘my food is not on the table the time it’s supposed to be.’

Peter Crosby, Program Manager for Partner Abuse Response (PAR) at FST explains that in his experience “there is more than one kind of abuser.” In addition to the obvious trauma of physical abuse, abusive men threaten their partners; they may also verbally attack women in a very composed and methodical way which can grind away at their self-esteem. Some abusive men do feel remorse and act on that remorse by seeking help to stop their behaviour. Often they do not. While counselling is a very healthy way for abusers to get help, men who come to FST’s PAR program are referred by the court system as an alternative to vigorous prosecution. PAR also offers outreach to the victims of these crimes, including information and supports such as safety planning. FST’s PAR program provides a 16-week education and counselling group for men convicted of a criminal offence against a current or former partner.

The PAR program counsels approximately 450 participants a year at FST and thousands more across Ontario. The program has two primary goals: to enhance victim safety and to increase offender accountability. PAR clearly states that abusive behavior is a choice meaning that the offender’s actions are neither accidental nor the result of “loss of control.” Abusive behavior is not an anger management problem. Another principle of PAR is that abuse is the sole responsibility of the abuser. The most important principle is that domestic violence is a crime, which leads to criminal prosecution. The PAR program does not take clients without a court referral but, they do refer men to other programs if they are not facing charges and want help.

In order to truly address the issue of VAW we need to start the process much earlier. Our society needs to adopt better education about healthy and equal intimate relationships as a core part of the school curriculum. From a very early age children should be growing up with a set of attitudes and values that promote strong and healthy relationships between men and women which are non-violent and equitable. A relationship should be a partnership in which two people learn how to solve problems together. They should never involve one person being in control and the other subject to that control. At this time we do not have this commitment in our society and we need to work on it. Men especially need to work on it.

Peter Crosby says, “Real men don’t hurt women. Real men believe in equality between a man and a woman. Real men can be gentle; a man can be strong without being violent”. I couldn’t agree more.

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